im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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