we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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