Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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