the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
