wakey wakey hands off snakey
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
