Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm sobbing to NWA
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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