if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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