Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
