Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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