Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
from now on my penis is your penis
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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