I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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