put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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