Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
