so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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