with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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