it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
