i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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