just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
