Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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