I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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