Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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