everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
