I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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