Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
