Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
