i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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