Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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