i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
