I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
