end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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