Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
