You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
