Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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