u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
