Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
