I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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