If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
be right there i have to get my cape
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
