Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My boob is missing a layer of skin
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
