the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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