he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize