do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she peed on how many people?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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