somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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