Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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