my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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