I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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