Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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