I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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