This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
