you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
