Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
