So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
