I cockslap morals
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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