he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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