Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
