I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
