I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Everything about him screamed your future.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
