All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize