can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
