Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
