Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
