Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize