You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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