My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
