News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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