I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize