If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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