K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
